Talk about reality check...

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been if I didn't choose the path I took that lead me to where I am now? Would I be any happier? Woud it be as miserable? What if I waited and not have jumped too fast, too soon? Would my life be any different or would I be destined to have the same kind of life, no matter what?

I have so many questions right now. 1000 and 1 things are running inside my head that I am not even sure where I am, how I feel, where I'll go. I feel so many emotions - disappointed, hurt, helpless, sad, upset, disgusted... I have never cried so much in my life that I felt so drained.

But I have never felt this angry before. Intense, deep anger.

Ever.

And it scares me.

It scares me because I know Me. I can tell myself to not care. I can tell myself it's not worth it. I can remind myself that things used to be better.

And right now, I could care less. My child is the only thing that is worth it.

And yes... things used to be better than this.

Christmas is never going to be the same for me.
Christmas is always going to remind me of this.
.... I just want Christmas to not come at all.